I know there aren't many out there who keep up with me, and I am guessing I just need to post more and comment more and work on it! But life, as always, gets in the way, and I don't think that's a bad thing.
Lately I've been spending my days in our sunless basement (*sob* I need to see the sun!), going through literally dozens of boxes. These boxes contain everything I have accumulated in my 27 year existence, minus a few things still at my parents'. Our house is small. We do not have room for all of this.
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| Just a few of the boxes I have left to go through... |
I need to organize and declutter.
I need to purge, purge, purge.
But I am a packrat. And too sentimental for my own good. I have a hard time getting rid of things, especially things that have been gifts or that have some meaning attached to them. I know that we are not to store up treasures on earth, but when that stuffed animal I got when I was four stares up at me forlornly from the Goodwill box, I can just hear his fuzzy little voice pleading, "How can you give me away? I thought we were friends!" ....sigh....
So far this one is still in the Goodwill box...for now.
I am trying to be frugal, as well. So those mismatched buttons? Those old beads? Those stickers left over from a VBS project? I might NEED them someday!
I've been working on purging my possessions since before we were married. It is taking so long because it really is difficult for me. As I mentioned in my first post, I do have a master's degree. I did work in my chosen career field for about a year and a half before the economy tanked and I lost my job (and then worked in retail until the wedding).
As I open up a new box and am greeted with papers from college, grad school, my internships or my job, I struggle. I remember my dreams of those days. I thought I would work in that field forever. I thought I was meant to be there. So many people believed in me. So many people supported me, some financially.
I give in to the nagging doubts. "What if they are disappointed in me?" I think. "What must they think of me now?" And truthfully, not many of my friends and family understand why I am at home now, especially with no children in the picture. (yet). Many of them are under the (false) opinion that my being home is temporary. When something opens up, they think, I'll go for it. That's not true--unless DH were to request me to do so, but at this point, neither he nor I see that happening.
And so there I sit, alone in the basement with pieces of my life history scattered around me,
and I fall.
I fall into the temptation to feel sorry for myself.
Fall into the temptation to cry angry tears at my oh-so-carefully-crafted Plan For Life having been torn to pieces.
I fall into the temptation of wanting to conform to others' expectations and not to listen for God's leading in my life.
*************
I raise myself up from the basement floor and head upstairs.
Into the sunlight and into the Son.
I read and pray, and ask God for forgiveness for my attitude and for the strength to get back to the purging again. Because I cannot fulfill my role as a joyful housewife without the gift of His grace to move past the boxes that are holding me back.
And I best get back to that now. I'll work in the basement for a bit and then walk downtown to surprise my pastor's 5 year old daughter at her ballet class...something I'd never get to do if I wasn't here at home where I belong.
"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
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| (A recent view from the kitchen window) |
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